A FRIEND, 3, AND ANOTHER TALE
I heard last night that a friend of mine... had the hots for number 3... Had made out with him... A short while after I had decided to move on... Even as I cried my guts out elsewhere... Had cut off all contact with 3.... Its funny coz this friend even tried to help me woo 3 back... I of course as we all know miserably failed.... Funnier still since now it somehow doesn't seem to matter that much ... It doesn't matter that 3's kissing other bois... going out on dates with someone... It made me feel sad somewhere inside... but it didn't hurt that bad... Does that mean I didn't love him as much as I thought I had... Doubt it... It once hurt real bad...
I think I've grown, accepted, digested and internalised the truth. That he's only a friend... a friend I shall deeply love... care for ... and be there when he needs me...
Should it have hurt that a friend kissed him... professed his love... to my love... even as I was hurting elsewhere...? Should I have felt betrayed....? I dunno... I'm just too suprised right now with my own reaction in some ways... I know time heals... It has in the past... But never this quickly... Have I grown that distant from my feelings... or has my "Let Go" theory taken such deep root that I am in danger of losing my feelings for somehow almost instantly after my mind takes a decision... That's almost a scary thought I would rather not answer... even to myself....
But then again I can't have grown that distant either.... As I write this ... the sight of that kiss.. that fateful night... comes back to me.... I can't see the face of the guy 3's kissing... I still can't... but I can see the kiss all right... and tears are back.... streaming down my cheeks... just that this time they are mere droplets... The force has dimmed.... The ache has lessened... I have healed...
A little...
posted by Visualscribe @ 11:40 AM
12 Comments:
cliched as it is.. the scar will remain even though you are healing... so you can expect it to ache time and again... just know that you always have friends waiting to be of absolutely any use .... to do whatever it takes to make it hurt a little less.. hugs
all this seems like you have been clinging on to your own assupmtions about this relationship....
i dont think your 3 has ever loved you the way you have presumed things, and you have not come to terms with it for long. Don't make him sound like the cause for your heartache, for you being weak. The fellow seems to be only having a life of his own while being honest with you.
Will you finally stand up for your own failings?
I typed existential crisis in google and your blog came up 6th and out of curiosity I started reading! You are a journalist no doubt. Good going
Anyways, just a few questions:
A friend of yours who tried to help you woo 3 back, the love of your life (at least that's how it appears), falls for that same object of your affection... and you still call that one a Friend? Did he think he could win where you had failed?
Your 3 seems to be a popular charecter, kissing a lot of boys around, making out with your friend. So is it an ego issue with you that you could not conquer 3?
This seems to be a case of sour grapes. You have painted a picture of this 3 as a bitch on heat who does anything and everything that walks. So why did you fall for 3 in the first place?
And lastly if 3 has moved on in life, why are you sitting and snivelling around? Shouldn't you go ahead and get a life of your own?
A thought: you have loved 3 for whoever that person is. Tarnishing someone's image just because your love went unreciprocated seems a little immature and in bad taste, specially if strangers like me can read your blog!
Anon 1:
Well I have never said he loved me the way I wanted him to. If he had we would still be together. Secondly I have owned up to my own failings, my utter stupidity in assuming things would be ok someday. And not moving on a long time ago. I have never blamed him and never will. Can't hold another responsible for my short comings. Specially when the person concerned has always told me the truth and never hidden his feelings from me. If I hallucinated that's my fault and I've always accepted it.
Anon 2:
I'm shocked ... where did you read all that in what i've written... 3's a very sweet... loving... kind individual... which is also probably why my friend fell for him... yes i think i would still call my friend that... they are both adults.. and did something.. big deal... when i've decided i'm not going to keep holding the candle for someone... how does it matter who he hooks up with? All that matters to me is that 3's happy... and i know 3 wishes the same for me... we are the best of friends... and we shall always be... i will always love him.. and i know he loves me... just not the way i wanted him to..
Letting go is never ever easy! Not if the person is as angelic as you make him out to be.
But let me just tell you oftener than not its the appearances of kindness that often mask pity. Sometimes they leave things in the realm of the unsaid...the implicit and assume you understand what they say. That can be far more beguiling and dangerous. Why split hairs or shed tears? YOU are most important in the equation and no one else....
hey !!! interesting to see your lovers have finally be reduced to mere numbers !!!
this lover no 3 of yours must be one hell of a guy... that he could have played so much havoc in your life .... where are such men and why are they often beyond our reach ?
What an interesting blog! And so full of heartache! You will heal and move on. Here is a cyber hug and a shoulder if you want to cry on. Good luck!
Hopped over from MadMomma's.. I am there with you..loved, lost, ached, still pining.. I did a post on MMs when she asked for love stories too.. and IMO life really never seems the same even when you think you have moved on. But someday maybe we will all find 'new happy places'.. Here's to life:)
-Nisha
I found your blog by searching of gay blogs in Mumbai. I'm intrigued by what I have read so far. It's rare to find a man who can string a sentence well in this city. ;)
Really ? where I come from that's not really true... go check out my friend Vikram's blog... sourapplemartini and you'll see what I mean.. there is always good conversation out there.... And by the way thanks for stumbling onto my blog... just realised how i've not written in the longest while... have some half written posts that I now intend to work on... :-) ... feel free to mail me: prasad.ramamurthy@gmail.com
Hi.I've kind of stumbled on to your blog and I have a strong sense of deja vu.. it is a comfort to know that there are other people in this sometimes mindless city with existential crisis..except that you are too young and nice looking to be so inward looking and self analytical. Be happy. God has blessed you with looks and intelligence..Life is not easy and you may never find the perfection you seem to be striving for..but enjoy what you find because life is short..before you know it the future has become the present, and the present has become has become the past.Take care of yourself.
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